You get what you pay for in life

[Carl]

I've learnt this over the last few years, it pays to get the best you can get.
When I bought my first house I had to blow every damn penny I had on the desposit and moving costs, so I had to last a week on £15 before next pay day came through. So off I trot to asda and buy all the cheap shit I can find, lots of pasta, rice and joy of joys, asda economy burgers. 8 for 99p!

Never again.

I've never had food poisoning before. And I'll die a happy man if I never have it again. Approx 2 hours after eating a couple of these sawdust burgers, I was being very, very, very sick into the toilet. It was spraying out so violently that I had to dip my head under the rim to keep it all in the bowl. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then started coming out the other end with just as much gusto. I had to choose between sick in toilet or shit in toilet. In the end, to save destroying the carpet, I had to puke in the toilet and shit in my pants. This went on for about 30 minutes. By the end it was just bright orange bile coming out of both ends. My throat and arsehole burned red hot for days.

I'll never forget the sensation of hot liquid shit endlessly filling the seat of my trousers and then spreading down the legs. I had to bend my legs tightly to create a seal and keep it all from spreading out onto the carpet. And to round it all off, those 99p burgers ruined a £40 pair of jeans.

[ScottyXS]

Nice story Carl. The reason surely wasnt the actual burgers though??
Im guessing for that price they were frozen?? You sure you defrosted them/cooked them thoroughly for that to happen?
Me and my friends (poor students) all have to buy cheap-ass stuff from the local Sainsburies or Iceland, and (could be because were used to it) nothing bought has ever given any of us food poisoning.
Iv only given myself it once before, but thats because I stupidly microwaved an out-of-date pasta ready meal thing, that was out of date by about 2 weeks, but thought, what the hell.

[DJ]

That shitting and vomiting thing reminds me of a heavy night I had out a few years back. I ended up crashing at a mate's house and definitely wasn't feeling my best. I couldn't sleep and suddenly realised that I needed to shit, this was going to be one of those ass burning, liquid ones that I'd have no control over and so I just needed to be on the toilet. So I ran next door to the bathroom, while sitting on the toilet I suddenly realised I was going to be so badly and yet like in your story Carl, I was still shitting! So I had only one option available to me.... I had to be sick in the nearby sink! At the time I didn't think much of it... it got me sorted, I'd had a shout about whether I was ok but the time quickly passed by and I went back to bed to try and sleep it off.

Anyhows the next morning, I woke up to be told that mate's mum was using the plunger on the sink... obviously my sick must have been that lumpy that it just wasn't going down the plughole... I felt so, so guilty then... well a bit guilty and the rest hungover!!

[Carl]

After coming home one night pissed as a cnut I staggered upstairs somehow fell out of my clothes, the jeans and socks and shoes was still together like I had just stepped out of them. I managed to fall into bed, wife mumbled something along the lines of drunken bastrd and in no time at all I was in the land of nod.

I remember waking up an hour later feeling very sick, room spinning the works. Theres no way on earth Id have made it to the bathroom but as luck would have it I had an empty pint glass on my bedsde cabinet.
Some how I managed to puke inthe pint glass, excatly a pint for some miracle reason I stopped puking just as the sick hit the rim.It was full of big mushrooms and bits of salad ( pizza? cant remember eating one) anyway after falling back asleep after the vomitting episode I woke up around 5.30 with a thirst on, I could have licked the sweaty bollocks of a bull i was that thirsty.
I couldnt get up but looked on my cabinet and seen a big pint glass of juice, fooking hell I thought wifes got me a drink knowing Id be thirsty during the night.

As soon as the mushroom touched my lips I remembered the sick in a glass

so very fooking near

[aliando]

i remember the day i learnt to defrost meat before cooking the hard way - woke a 6am shitting my ring and puking not knowing which to put on the toilet. To make it worse, it was a lean too type toilet out the back, and i was starkers - dread to think how many insects drowned in puke/liquid-shit....

[welshman 2005]

it was a lean too type toilet out the back,

fckin hell

[alexmac]

Brilliant stories boys. Fcuking disgusting, but brilliant nonetheless!!!

[aliando]

Originally Posted by welshman 2005

fckin hell

student accommodation in the ponty valleys

[Cassius Marcellus]

Never had food poisoning, but been poisoned.

Normal women have a row if you dip your wick elsewhere. Not my first wife, the cnut poisoned me. Collapsed in my mates khazi with my trousers round my ankles, trying to have a shit as my stomach hurt like fcuk. Not easy to get me out as it was a prefab, the door opened inwards and I had collapsed against it. Had my stomach pumped out in hospital and lived to shag another day

[heniek31]

Last week I found a boxed powder for pancakes in my cupboard. Mixed it with water and started frying. Looked at the box in meantime and it says "expire 2004" .
Oh well, it was delicious .

[Robbie1960]

Ahh, this brings back some memories
I was about 17 yo, my mum had travelled down to London with my little brother to see her sisters and brothers, leaving my old man and me to fend for ourselves.
We'd done ok till the Friday when my dad decided to have a long session at the local British Legion with a few of his ex army mates.
By the time he got home i was fast asleep, but i woke around 2 am to the smell of burning.
I went into the kitchen to see where the smell was coming from, only to see flames shooting up the wall, the daft cnut had decided to cook some chips and had fallen asleep on the sofa. I managed to eventually put the fire, but the kitchen was a fckin mess. I then went and woke him up and showed him what had happened....he said..." fcks sake...were in deep shit with your mother now "....WE??? i said.....your on yer fckin own with this one.
My turn was to come though.
The next evening i'd been invited to an 18th birthday party at the Camelon Juniors club ( ScottyXS has probably been there ) there was about 6 of us went from Grangemouth ( all young guys looking to get rat arsed ).
We tried just about every drink possible at that time, i took a liking to pernod and blackcurrant after trying some vodkas and rum. By the time the end of the evening had come i was like a buckled wheel, somehow i managed to make my way home and stumble into my bed.
On waking up the next morning all i could hear was my dads voice " Are you ok son?...wake up, wake up."....i could barely open my eyes, eventually i did....and said to my dad..." i think so, i'll tell you in a minute ". I then looked at my pillow, it was all red, i was a bit puzzled and looked around some more...red everywhere.
My dad turned me over and said " fckin hell whats happened to you ? "....then it dawned on me, id been sick during the night and couldnt move, the red was the blackcurrant that i'd been mixing with the pernod, it was all over the sheets and all over me. My dad seeing that i was ok ( apart from a massive hangover ) realised it wasnt blood as he had first thought. After telling him what it was he was relieved and angry ( angry that i couldve choked on my vomit ).
I managed to crawl to the toilet only to find that i had made it there during the night, evidence was big red stains on the white walls...." Dad ( i shouted.)...WE are in deep shit with mum ".
She was due back on the Monday morning, so with some help from a couple of trustworthy friends we managed to redecorate the kitchen and bathroom ( burnt wall was tiled partially....which my mum had always
wanted ).
When she got home she was delighted with what she saw, and thanked both of us for our hard work.....she still doesnt know to this day.

[Valiant23]

Surely to god you're safe in Canada? Isn't it time for a confession?

[Robbie1960]

Originally Posted by Valiant23

Surely to god you're safe in Canada? Isn't it time for a confession?

I'm safe for now mate , but i'm going back for a visit soon.
My Dads still there though, hes deffinetly not safe and he could get grounded for a while...
Maybe i'll tell her just before i return here,....just to see the look on my Dads face..