Sunday night shite joke thread.

[Carl]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.


When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

[PAULM03]

Why was the washing machine laughing?

























It was taking the piss out of the underpants

[mowgli77]

I got 1 sent to my phone yesterday:

A muslim woman knocked on my door late last night. I refused to answer it though and spoke to her through the letter box. Now lets see how you fcuking like it.

[Carl]

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "But I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Carl]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I
was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[bigmal76]

what do you call cheese that dosent belong to you?


nacho cheese.

[Galronix]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
He says to the barman "I'll have a pint of bitter" and the ostrich says "I'll have a vodka & coke", the cat says "I aint paying for it.

A little while later the bloke goes to the bar and says "I'll have a pint of bitter" and the ostrich says "I'll have a vodka & coke", the cat says "I aint paying for it.

This happens all night. At the last orders the barman says "What's all this about??.

The bloke tells him "This afternoon I went to the junk shop and found a lamp. When I got home I rubbed it and a geine popped out" The barman with suprise asked what he wished for and the bloke replied..........

"Al ong legged bird with a tight pussy

[6ooner]

Black tarmac is sitting in a bar having a drink with red tarmac when in walks concrete goes up to black tarmac and says 'your always stealing work from me' and hits him. Red tarmac stands up and kicks the living s**t out of concrete and throw him out in a crumbled heap. On returning he checks if black tarmac is okay and explains how he cant stand bullies and says that he'll always have a go if he sees one.

10 minutes later green tarmac comes in, goes to the bar and because he can't get served stright away he grabs the barman by the throat and gives him a headbut. Red tarmac stands up to go across and sort green tarmac out when black tarmac grabs him and says 'no! whatever you do don't get involved with green tarmac' 'why not?' asks red tarmac black tarmac says 'he's a fcuking cyclepath'


I'm on the phone ordering one

[ksportz]

Shakespeare wlaks into a pub and the barman says...

"Sorry I can't serve you, you're barred"

[Carl]

-Dont get it..........

[friskyfitz]

Originally Posted by Carl

-Dont get it..........

Barred...... Bard......Poet/writer...FFS CARL!!!!!

[Carl]

Bungalow

[Carl]

He is often considered to be England's national poet^[5] and is sometimes referred to as the "Bard of Avon" (or simply "The Bard")^[

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I found a penny on the floor.

[TheKing]

I Hungary during the city fights a a fierce biker-guy is interviewed by the local Tv:

Repoter: Sir why are u here aren't you afraid that the police might shoot you.
Biker-Guy: No, i had enough of the goverments shit and i'm gonna stay here and menstruate all night long.
Reporter : Menstruate Sir?? Surely you mean demonstrate.
Biker-Guy: I don't care, as long as there is blood in it.

[Pocket Lady]

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell His mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."


Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy’s mother
asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy


Leroy knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.


LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy


Leroy knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.


LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.


LETTER 4:

Dear God:

I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy


Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.


LETTER 5:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

[Pocket Lady]

Aussie millionaire had everyone from his neighbourhood round for a BBQ, there were lawyers,judges,teachers,police,businessmen and the 1 aboriginal, Mick.
A good time was being had by everyone, the beer was flowing and the food plentiful when the millionaire shouted out that he would give a million $ to anyone that would jump into his swimming pool and fight the 15ft croc he had in there. SPLASH in goes Mick the aboriginal, after 10mins fighting he emerges victorious climbing from the pool in front of the millionaire.
"Suppose I owe you a million $ Mick" he says.
"Don’t want your fcuking money " Mick replies
"Well you fought the croc, let me get you a Rolex and a Porsche " ,
"Don’t fcuking want it" says Mick.
" Well what do you want?"
Mick says "Just give me the name of the b'stid that pushed me !!!"

[FleetFanatic]

A family are driving behind a dust cart when a dildo flies out and bounces off the windscreen.

To protect her young son's innocence the mum says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied:

'I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that"

[FleetFanatic]

An 80 year old couple where seen shagging furiously up against a fence for 40 minutes.

They shagged like bastards, arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor.

"Christ," she said "you didnt shag me like that 50 years ago, to which the old man replies:

"50 years ago that fence wasn't electric!"

[Pocket Lady]

[Galronix]

A man and his son are taking a pre sunday dinner stroll down the country lanes when all of a sudden the little boy stamps on a butterfly.

"What did you do that for" askes the dad. "I dont like butterflies" replied the boy. "Just for that you'll get no butter on your bread fro a week" says the dad.

A little while later the boy stamps on a bee. The dad goes mad, "well I don't like bees" said the boy. "Ok" says the dad "You'll get no honey on your bread for a week". The boy just mumbles "I don't care"

Back at the house at dinner time a great big cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. The mother screams and stamps on it and the boy looks at his dad and says "are you gonna tell her or am I"