[Sharpe1ne]

The Real Truth About 9/11
Kyle:	Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding.
Donald Rumsfeld:	Come on in, Mr. President. [President Bush comes in through one of the side doors]
Kyle:	Uh, Mr. President, my name is-
Bush:	SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything! [walks to his desk] We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging!
Kyle:	[quite surprised] Really?
911truth Man:	You won't get away with it! People know!
Bush:	People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak... [pulls out a pistol and his voice gets sinister] to fix... [the Secret Service agents take the 911truth man to the President]
911truth Man:	Wait. What are you doing?
Bush:	[leaves his desk and cocks the gun] You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
911truth Man:	No! You can't do this! [Bush grabs him by the collar] Please! I'll stop. I'll take down the Web site. I'll sto- [the President sticks the gun into the man's mouth] Oh no! Oh no!
Bush:	Too late. [squeezes the trigger once and the bullet goes clear through the man's head. The 911truth man is dead]
Stan:	JESUS CHRIST!!
Rumsfeld:	[Condoleezza Rice stands to his left] Hahaha. He died like a pig.
Bush:	[wipes the blood off his clothes and skin] Some pigs never learn.
Kyle:	[in sheer disbelief, cocks his head right] No. Way.
Stan:	He was right. You DID cause 9/11.
Bush:	Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever.
Kyle:	[ever more incredulous, cocks his head left and lower] ...Really??
Stan:	Why?!
Bush:	[smiling, he begins to pace] Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. [walks by Dick Cheney, who's got a crossbow and is dressed to hunt] Finally we could invade Iraq, [finishes off with sinister glee] and get the oil which made us all richer than before.
Rumsfeld:	[rubs his hands together greedily] Beauutiful money, hahahaha!
Kyle:	[cocks his head right and even lower. He's not buying it] ...Really??
Stan:	[off on a different page] Is the whole government in on this?
Bush:	We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys. [steps aside as Dick Cheney takes aim at them. Cheney fires an arrow at them, but the arrow hits a marble vase on a table behind the boys. The arrow bounces off the vase and hits fire alarm, which sets off the sprinkler system. Everyone does his best not to get wet]
Cheney:	Dangit I missed again!
Bush:	For Christ's sake, Cheney! [Two aids open the doors to the Oval Office and enter]
Stan:	[seeing their chance] Kyle! Run! [the boys take off with the Secret Service in hot pursuit]
Bush:	KILL THEM!

Kyle:	Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on??
Stan:	Who are you?
Bearded Man:	[pours himself a drink] I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed.
Kyle:	You f-figured this thing all out?
Bearded Man:	Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys. [the Hardly Boys enter] My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue.
Frank:	Gave us both a clue.
Mr. Hardly:	That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues.
Hardly Boy 2:	I was getting a clue like every two minutes.
Frank:	I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.
Mr. Hardly:	Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.
Frank:	It was huuuge.
Mr. Hardly:	That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy.
Stan:	Aw Jesus...
Kyle:	Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11?
Mr. Hardly:	For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?
Bush:	[off-screen] That's quite enough, Hardly! [the camera shows him entering with his staff] Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11. [brings forth a manila folder] It's all right here in these secret documents, [hugs the folder tight] but you'll never get them. [turns around as he yawns, dropping the folder to the floor behind him. No one picks them up]
Kyle:	I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy!
Bush:	Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing.
Kyle:	Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!
Bush:	We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them?
Mr. Hardly:	Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here? [a close-up of Kyle. A gun appears next to his left temple. The camera moves clockwise as it refocuses on Stan, who's got the gun aimed at Kyle. Staan must have told the President]
Stan:	How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do!
Kyle:	Stan! What the ****?!
Stan:	It was all planned out!
Kyle:	You knew this whole time? Why?
Stan:	Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.
Kyle:	[backs away a bit] What??
Stan:	The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!
Kyle:	So you blamed the government?!
Mr. Hardly:	And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11!
Stan:	[lowers his pistol] Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries?
Kyle:	So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government?
Stan:	Yuh.
Kyle:	So then, who was responsible for 9/11?
Stan:	Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
Frank:	[giggles] Yeah. What are you, retarded? [The President and his staff laugh heartily]

From episode 1009 of South Park and the transcript of the episode from
The South Park Scriptorium